Hey, we resemble that remark
Here's an article that hit a little close to home. It's about a middle-aged married couple in which the husband has been out of work for two years.
Two years. Oy.
The article mentioned a word I hadn't heard before, mancession. Apparently, it means that men have been hit much, much harder than women in the waves of layoffs that swept the US over the last couple of years. The article claims that there actually isn't that much difference between men and women in terms of who's unemployed (11% vs. 8.8%, respectively). It also noted that people over 45 who become unemployed are unemployed longer than their younger counterparts, 33.4 weeks versus 26.8 weeks.
The husband profiled in the article is struggling with despair, and the couple's marriage has suffered. For entirely personal reasons, that's the part that I found the most disconcerting: My SO has been out of work for ten weeks now, and it's been very, very hard on him.
I'd be lying if I said it hasn't impacted our relationship. It has.
The good news is that he's treating job-hunting like a job. He's had several interviews and I think he's close to landing something, but he's not there yet. In the meantime. . . well, we're just slogging through.
Has unemployment impacted your relationship(s) in any way? If so, how?
11 retorts:
I was out of work for 6 months a few years back, and it IS difficult! It is sad when it leads to marital discord, assuming the unemployed spouse is diligently trying to find work, and the other spouse is being supportive and not jerky about it. One of the toughest parts for us, aside from the money, was losing my health insurance - my wife's job did not offer coverage. That was stressful! Good luck to you, and I hope he lands something very soon...
Jerry
www.leads4insurance.com
In 2001, my husband was out of work (dot com bubble) for 2 and 1/2 years. All my friends told me to divorce him (he was lazy, dumb, stupid whatever.) How, I said, could I abandon a man who cared for me and my 2 daughters (that weren't his) for over 17 years, put a roof over our head, food on the table, health care & braces, etc. etc. just because he was currently out of work? DUH!
Aren't we supposed to care for those who had cared for us for so long? Do we toss someone aside just because they lost their job? Is that all we are to each other: meal tickets?
Somehow we managed. I worked. he continued to look for a job but did much needed work around the house. Eventually, it was my youngest daughter who found him a job and he has been there ever since.
FYI-the Jerry comment, is not a real person. It's an advertisement site. Click on it and see. I think you should delete it.
I'm the unemployed one in the relationship and it's been rough, more so since I always hoped to become the main provider. Ambitious and possibly a bit arrogant, I know, but I didn't want to be the SAHM, I wanted him to be the SAHD if possible. And this period has been been sobering.
It's been more than six months and we're doing ok, but I hate that he feels obligated to pick up more of our shared entertainment expenses now and I've definitely scaled back a lot on our eating/going out.
I guilt-cook a lot these days, to make up for my lack of income.
Revanche,
Don't get me wrong-my husband and I did have our fights over his not having a job. One night, the yelling got so loud, I burst my eardrums. I screamed to my husband and asked him if there was anything in the world he would want to do, regardless of money or income, what would it be? He screamed back that he loved Corvette cars. So, I looked in our phone book, saw that there was only 1 car dealer in our area that sold Corvettes and DH called him the very next day to ask for a job. Any job. It was our lucky break that the Corvette shop manager had just suffered a heart disorder and couldn't work. My husband went to work at the Corvette car dealership, cleaning cars and doing maintenance work for only $10 an hour.
He loved it!
He did it for about a year till he finally found a position in his line of work (but still continued to work at the Corvette shop on he weekends.)
Ask yourself the same question: is there anything in this world you always wanted to do? Then go out an do it and 'dam the torpedoes, full steam ahead!"
You'll get there! I promise.
I'm undecided if the root cause of the marital discord is unemployment or just the lack of money.
Certainly, not working will cause some to feel guilty but is it from a feeling that they are not valued by society, their spouse and prospective employers? Or does it all go away if some money falls into their lap?
People say money isn't everything and I would agree it isn't. But it's right up there with oxygen.
@Morrison: That's disquieting yet strangely encouraging ... :) I'm working on one of the things I've always wanted to do but it will take at least a year to come to fruition and I'm just so impatient!! Heh. At least we know what the problem is there.
And to include Gord in this reply: For myself, it's highly disconcerting not to be producing income. I haven't been idle for the past ten years and have always earned income so there's definitely a sense of damaged self worth involved and stress from worrying about how I'm going to provide for my family. (For clarity's sake, I'm not married, I was referring to my LD SO in the prev comment, but I do support my parents at home now.)
So I feel like it's a reflection of my productivity whenever anybody asks me about the job search (as I'm sure a spouse would do regularly). I already feel guilty and lazy because I haven't landed a suitable fit even though I have enough savings not to grab the first minimum wage job out there.
I'm lucky that my SO doesn't judge me for still being unemployed but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I ought to be.
And to be perfectly honest, it's also irrational to take it personally that I haven't been snapped up yet. *shrug* I know that it's not at all that simple and it feels personal anyway.
It was really hard on me when I was unemployed. I felt worthless, hopeless, and it was a very dark time in my life.
It's very hard on marriage. Everyone knows that. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
You just have to be patient and understanding with him. Whatever things you are thinking (lazy, dumb, not contributing) he is already beating himself up with them.
That said, ten weeks is not two years. At two years, you have deeper issues than the economy.
My husband was laid off in July and it sucks. For us, it's not the money. I have an excellent job with benefits and long term prospects, it's his need to provide.
I could care less if he ever works again, it's coming home to a messy house and a depressed husband that's bugging me. I try to be patient and loving but having to clean the bathroom gets old really fast when there's someone at home who agreed to do it.
He has a second interview today. Wish us luck!
Jerry - Sounds like it was a tough time, all right. I'm glad you made it through. The health insurance situation is scary - SO's kids got on their mom's insurance easily enough, but SO started COBRA this month. Thankfully, the 65% COBRA subsidy was extended!
Morrison - Thanks for sharing your story. That must have been a rough time.
Revanche - Oh yes, we've scaled back big-time, too. I almost always pay on the very rare occasions we go out now. That part doesn't bother me because I do see that he's not blowing cash unnecessarily elsewhere. I can tell you, the last thing this guy wants to do is live off of me.
Gord - I think in our case specifically, I would say that the tension surrounding my SO being unemployed has uncovered some other stuff, and those are the issues that are the problem now. I'm trying. We both are. But it's hard.
Dog - I don't think of him as lazy, dumb, or not contributing - not at all. Like I said to Gord, the real issues are elsewhere and those are what we're trying to cope with.
SarahA - I'm so sorry - your situation sounds really tough. I hope your husband will explore counseling for the depression. In the meantime, however, I hope he nailed the interview!
Long term unemployment is one of my biggest fears. It's tough on you and the family, and as you get older, there is also the specter of simply being forced out of the job market altogether...
Shadox - Don't I know it. Scary stuff. I'm looking forward to your upcoming posts on this topic.
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