When marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be
Time magazine published an interesting article this week about marriage. According to the article, even though marriage is often a foundation to economic gain, it doesn't bring as many financial benefits as it used to. It's still true that the overall cost of living comes down when two people share housing or when they can leverage their combined skill sets to avoid paying for repairs or other costs that come from running a household, but the change in women's roles over time has closed the gap between married people and single. In today's world, women's wages are much more competitive with men's than they used to be. In addition, women are having fewer children and having them later in life, giving them the opportunity to build more solid careers and work histories beforehand. Finally, unmarried doesn't necessarily mean unpartnered: more and more couples are living together (and benefiting from two incomes) without being married.
If you are or were married, did marriage make you better off financially than when you were single? If you're single, do you think marriage would improve your financial situation? Do economic considerations play any role in your romantic relationships (including a decision to marry or not), and if so, how?
7 retorts:
To borrow words from an old nursery rhyme … when it is good it is very, very good, and when it is bad it is horrid. I’ve experienced both types of relationships. When I was very young, I married a guy I barely knew, partly to escape a deadbeat family. It was a disaster. In the three years or so we were together he wiped out my meagre saving and left me feeling both emotionally and financially traumatised. A couple of years after extricating myself from that relationship however, I met someone else. We’ve now been together for almost two decades and it has been the absolute opposite of my earlier experience … we have similar (frugal) views about life and money, and have happily built up a shared history and asset base. If there was one thing my early, awful marriage taught me it was to be self-reliant and never, ever to expect to financially supported by anyone else. If my SO were to disappear tomorrow, I’d be equipped to support myself and manage my own finances, now and into the future. I think economic considerations are vital in romantic relationships, and it is very hard to be happy when you and your partner have different values.
My husband and I brought a different set of financial strategies to our marraige. Even though we make very little, we are financially more stable than either of us was alone.
I believe even today we all think it will become more affordable together. In my life what I have found is we double our dreams and wants and that costs. For instance say my DH wants to go skydiving, well naturally he would like me to go as well....so that is $420 instead of $210. These little things add up over time. My car insurance nearly doubled with the addition of him as a driver. My health insurance cost jumped astronomically. This list goes on and on. For him the costs declined.
Maybe we are more secure with a double income...much like an emergency fund, but I'm not convinced that it has saved me money anywhere.
In my first marriage, I married partly because I wanted to improve my wife's (and her daughter's) economic situation. They were on welfare and I had a good job. Did I mention I was sadly lacking in judgement at age 21? Ten years later, we split with very few assets for either of us. I was a frustrated saver; whenever I got ahead, she had something to spend it on and husbands aim to please, so I did.
I was single for about 5 years and easily began aggressively saving and investing. I was in control again and that was good. But I got lonely.
The second marriage was a 17 year party and we were lucky to own real estate. I lobbied hard to buy extra homes for rentals but that was a source of huge arguments as was any investment or savings. When we split, she got the house; I kept my sanity and very little else.
My story has a happy ending because my current wife and I are on the same wavelength on most issues but on finances in particular. We've saved and invested more in the last 3 years than I saved in the last 35 years.
I depends on both individuals philosophy as to whether it is cheaper to live together. The synergies are there IF they stick to them. If the dominate partner (we could argue all day long as to whether it is most likely to be the woman) likes to spend, shop, travel, etc ........ at the very least the other partner will be unhappy; at worst the marriage will end in divorce.
If economic considerations don't play a role in a decision to marry (or live together for more than 6 months in Canada) then I can safely say you are making a BIG mistake. People argue about money more than anything other issue and 50% of marriages end in divorce. Money drives nearly every issue, every activity, all the opportunities in life, especially children. I know it sounds cold and "unromantic" but it isn't really. A fat bank account gives you a warm feeling of security.
Sorry for the long post, but it's a very important issue.
I think both people in a relationship need to work towards the same financial goals otherwise it will be a huge struggle. My last partner was a mature age student working part-time while I had finished my studies many years ago and was well established in my career earning decent money. I of course, in the name of love and my desire for him to focus on finishing his studies, took on all financial responsibilities - paying all our living expenses whilst at the same time tried to save a deposit for an apartment. My ex partner was purely reckless with his money, spending all his money on booze, cigarettes and other wasteful things as well as using my money for essentials like petrol and impulse buys. He also borrowed money from me which to this day he still hasn’t repaid.
Admittedly when I reflect on this period in my life, I can see I basically got milked hard as a result of being blindly in love and selfless in nature. I know this will never happen again because I will keep my money to myself and when I get into my next relationship I would expect my other half to be self sufficient and to be able to support himself financially. I would only ever consider sharing my finances again with someone when I’m actually married - nothing less.
My past experience with this guy left me emotionally and financially drained, however on the upside, it’s been one and half years on my own and I’m 10 times better off financially - I’ve managed to save a decent deposit and buy a loft style apartment on the edge of the city at a bargain price due to the property downturn plus I have been able to generally save more on my own and still have a little money left over for indulgences. I really can’t complain these days about how my life has turned out.
Thank you for the interesting comments and feedback. Personally, I was married to a spender. Despite the fact that our joint salary was very respectable, I think I'm better off with my own salary than I would have been if we had stayed married. YMMV!
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