Time waits for no one
My friend's dad died a week ago and she is devastated. It's only just over five months since I lost my dad, and I ended up in tears a few times myself during phone and email exchanges this past week. Her father didn't have the long, drawn-out illness that my dad did, but his sudden yet gentle passing meant that my friend didn't have time to say goodbye.
I didn't have time either. I visited my parents a couple of weeks before my dad died, and I remember thinking as I left that I might not see him again. He declined quickly after that; within a couple of days of my return, I had a packed bag at work and a packed bag at home in case I had to leave without notice. When the end came, however, there wasn't time: my mom helped him to the floor and he was gone in minutes.
People who get to say goodbye are lucky, but I think they tend to be the lucky few. The time to say everything you want your loved ones to know is while they're alive to hear it.
If you've been reading for a while, you know that I'm a strong believer in personal responsibility and accountability for one's actions, and that is particularly the case with personal finances. When it comes to maintaining a relationship with family, though, I have a much harder time drawing a frugal line in the sand.
(I'm not talking about manipulative, toxic family members who expect handouts, by the way. That's a whole other issue of boundaries, and I'm not addressing that here. I'm thinking more of what George Orwell meant when he recalled a time . . . when family members stood by one another without needing to know the reason why.)
Folks, if you have older parents and grandparents in your lives, set financial responsibility aside for a while and call them. You don't need a reason; just call them to talk, or let them do the talking if they're lonely. Go see them when you can, even if it means giving up a trip to go somewhere else. Take them on a trip if they're well enough, even if it's just out for the day. Fill their lives with the things and experiences they enjoy; if you're creative, you can do it on the cheap without sacrificing the pleasure these things bring. If you have kids, let them and your older relatives be a part of each others' lives. Make sure your older relatives are eating and drinking enough, and that they're taking the right medication at the right times and in the right doses. Stay in touch with their daily routines and get a sense of how robust their social networks are.
Most of all, tell them you love them now, while you still have the chance. Giving of yourself doesn't have to cost all that much, but it can save you a lifetime of regret.
Put another way, generosity of both spirit and wallet won't make the hole in your heart go away when they're gone. . . but it just might make it just a little bit smaller than it could have been.
(I miss you, Dad.)
5 retorts. What say you?
I am one of the lucky few having the opportunity to be close to both of my parents, and, when the time came, being their primary care provider in the weeks leading to their passing.
With my Dad, we were told in October of 2005 that he was terminal and entered Hospice care. I was living in California at the time, and during those weeks, I flew up three times until November 18 when I flew up to take care of him in his final week. We brought the hospital bed into my parents' home - my sister and I then worked 24/7 for the next week caring for him. He didn't pass until all of the kids had come for one final visit. Then, one evening I told my Mom and sister it was time to say goodbye and give him permission to pass. I said my goodbye, told him I loved him and left the room. Within an hour he was gone.
Because my Mom had Parkinson's, I remained with her for six weeks after my Dad's passing to help her adjust and take care of the reams of paperwork and forms required. While it was a difficult time, it was great that I could be there for my Mom when she needed me.
This past February the doctors' and my mother decided her time had come. Once again we brought in the hospital bed and my sister and I began caring for her. From the time we got the hospital bed until she passed it was 15 days. Like my Dad, she waited until all of the kids had come to say goodbye. She died within one hour of the final sister arriving. As she quietly passed, with me and one sister by her side, the room next door was filled with other silbings, their spouses, and grandchildren.... the sound of love and laughter filling her room.
I encourage anyone and everyone reading this to take advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act and, when the time comes, take the few weeks needed to care for your parent as they pass from this life to the next. It is highly rewarding. I would never trade the time I spent reading out load to my Dad or holding my Mom's hand for all of the riches in the world.
And, of course, my parents were wonderful in that everything was done, all arrangements and last wishes written, heirlooms distributed, so my siblings and I did not have to face making any difficult decisions or try and figure out what they wanted.
anon - that's a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you both for sharing your beautiful stories.
I am so thankful for my parents who are in their 70's. We take most of our vacations with my parents and my brother. We save our credit card points and frequent flyer miles to do it and it's at the expense of a much more exotic vacation but we wouldn't have it any other way.
The fact is we truly enjoy spending time with my parents and are just so thankful they are healthy enough to enjoy us back.
www.creditmomblog.com
Creditmom - Thanks for sharing your story. Enjoy your time with your family. I agree, there's nothing better.
You've inspired me to post about the topic!
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