Is it ever okay to hide debt from your spouse?
A blog called Need to Be Debt Free is about a forty-something father of six's efforts to eliminate over $40,000 in debt. The most recent post is about the author's discovery that in the midst of his fairly extreme debt-reducing efforts, his wife has managed to rack up several thousand dollars of new debt through secret credit cards.
Whoa. That's ugly.
The comments (there are 47 at the moment) are interesting. They range from She's a smart woman to keep some accounts of her own and you deserve it anyway for being so cheap to This is the ultimate betrayl.
There are valuable points on both sides of the argument. I think it's important for each partner in a relationship to have money of his or her own; having said that, racking up consumer debt isn't exactly the same thing as having one's own money. If it happened to me, I think I'd feel deeply betrayed and whatever trust I had in my partner would be shattered. Having been through a marriage in which my ex-husband did lie to me and hide things from me, trust doesn't come all that easily in the first place.
After reading through that situation, I started to wonder if there are any cases in which it's okay to hide debt from a spouse or partner. The only thing I've been able to come up with involves a situation where trust is already gone: if one spouse is being controlled and abused, if that person secretly opens up credit accounts to fund a means of escaping the relationship, I would find it hard to pass judgment.
Would you?
Is there such a thing as a legitimate reason to create and hide debt in a relationship?
8 retorts. What say you?
You almost had me with the end statement of your post:
"Would you?
Is there such a thing as a legitimate reason to create and hide debt in a relationship?"
If you had said: "to create and hide money in a relationship" my response would have been absolutely.
My ex-husband worked on Wall Street. He was used to BIG MONEY. He was used to BIG BONUSES. Unfortunately, he was bi-polar. The day came when he was no longer really functional on the job and needed to be on disability. This is a man who could spend tens of thousands of dollars in a matter of minutes.
To protect our assets and our financial future, I felt it necessary to safeguard the money he spent years to earn. It took time to structure and set up, but by the time we were divorced, he was set up with annual income from investments of approximately $90,000 p/year without touching the principle.
I never set up any secret accounts for myself. When we divorced I walked away with a very small amount in total ($60K from the sale of our brownstone, $20K in retirement funds and $20K in personal property). Yes, I could have taken and walked away with more, but I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror in the morning.
I'm interested in what others have to say.
Funny, I was all set to say nope until I read MP's comment. Ok, sure, if you have a spouse who has a real problem (be it something psychological or things like alcoholism, spousal abuse, etc...)
Otherwise, no. There is a difference between not letting your spouse know what you are using the debt for and not letting your spouse know about the debt at all, and I feel like there is a confluence of the two here. If one spouse is unacceptably controlling, then the other has the right to fight him/her by saying, yes, I'm creating this debt, because I need it and I'm not going to account to you what I'm spending it on.
If the borrowing party is afraid to be open about the debt then (1) either the debt is being spent on something frivolous and not necessary (ie. guilt) or (2) the other party is actually abusive (in which case there should be other actions taken along with taking on debt).
Look, according to the law, among married couples, debt is a shared obligation. To take on debt and be secretive about is basically fraud.
Personally in my relationship, I would not hide this kind of thing. I think open and honest relationships are likely to breed better financial futures.
It's not necc my right to speak for other couples though. i just know my preference :)
Hey, I have been meaning to comment for a while. I started a new site and was searching for it to see how it was ranking in google and guess what!!!!! It's called Frugal Zeitgesit just like yours :). I was very proud for thinking up the name and thought I would be the first..... but I was obviously wrong.
Anyway, do you want a link excahnge? I am only 10 days old but doing well from StumbleUpon with 36000 page views in the last 6 days..... Google still hates me though :)
Great blog, I have subscribed by email.
(just commenting with my google deatils so I can track replies :) )
I agree with MP on the secret saving.
My hubby is not at all good with money. He is very much an emotional spender. If he has a bad day, he spends, if he has a good day, he spends. I haven't been able to get through to him on it. (We keep our finances separate, I pay the mortgage, he pays the bills.)
Once I get my debt paid off next year, I intend to not tell him but instead keep putting the same amount aside in a savings account for a condo for the both of us down the road.
I know this is an uncommon approach, but it is helping me to feel more like I am in control rather than freaking out at his emotional spending.
In the end, you really have no control over what your partner does and you need to make sure you are protecting your future. (And by your I mean our.)
mp - you caught me. I was very careful with my wording: there are a multitude of reasons that I think are acceptable for one partner to hide money in a relationship; that's why I asked about hiding debt.
kady - I think the reasons you mentioned are justifiable cause for hiding money in a relationship, but I'm less sure about justifying hiding debt this way. I agree that it's wrong to create a legal obligation without a partner's knowledge except in very, very extenuating circumstances. I can't think of any extenuating circumstances where I think that would be acceptable other than imminent physical harm, though.
Forest - thanks for chiming in. Interesting site - you registered the URL, so of course it's yours to use as you wish. (Under the circumstances, though, I can't really understand why you'd want to.)
scrumpy's baker - your husband sounds a bit like my ex. I fully understand the emotional roller-coaster that comes with living with an emotional spender. Thanks for posting, and good on you for finding a way to cope.
Hi-
Barring all cases of bipolar psychological disorders or extreme domestic abuse, HIDING DEBT from your spouse is in the SAME category as CHEATING! It is a deception, a breach of trust on the same scale. No, your spouse does not run the risk of bringing home cooties, or getting some bimbo knocked-up as in the case of an adulterous affair. However, your spouse will most likely bring home hardship, disgrace, instability, struggle, distrust, great expense, and the ringing of bill collectors all day and all night. Oh yeah, and don’t forget all of the missed opportunities that go by while your working two jobs to pay back credit card companies at 29% interest. Worth it? C'mon people, has the collective character of our great country stooped so low in recent times? Are unnecessary goods, services, and keeping up with the Jones of more importance than the psychological, financial, and emotional stability within your very home?
I am what you would call a saver. This is the fashionable distinction to make these days; either you’re a SPENDER or a SAVER...whatever. Let me just say that I think this distinction is a load of crap. Either you are a responsible adult accountable for your actions, or you are behaving like an out of control child. The laws of money are based on simple mathematics that you learned in grade school. Apply them and you will reap success, forgo them and you will suffer more or less like those other fools out there right now getting foreclosed on. The banks and credit card companies don’t care how emotionally needy you were while you drank your $6 latte’s, bought a hummer, or just had to impress the neighbors with this, that, and the other thing. Unless you file for bankruptcy, you are basically on the hook, a slave to the lender. And another thing, the banks and lenders are smarter than you, they hire finance MBAs and PhDs who will work 80hrs per week figuring out how to get you in debt and keep you there.
How do I know this – EXPERIENCE. I was married to just such a person; she duped me three times in our 8yr marriage. Each time with a promise to change and that it would never happen again. I bailed us out of it each time, and when enough time went by and I let my guard down, she did it again. This third and final time I am forced to file bankruptcy, attempt to sell my house in a down market (all offers have been less than I paid for the home), my credit is ruined because she put my name on some of the cards which she never intended to pay, and to forfeit all of the sweat equity that I put into this home over the past four years of back breaking renovations that were done on nights and weekends after my 60 hour work week.
hahaha? this is funny.. but seriously, why would you hide your debts to your spouse? I mean... isnt it better if both of you will help each other to pay for this? you guys should be helping each other right..thats the real essense of your wedding...
Post a Comment