your first date with the frugal zeitgeist
Dating.
Over-30 dating.
Some of you might find this concept gross; after all, sex was only invented in 1997. For some of you (a VERY, VERY FEW), I'm old enough to be your mom.
Ew. That kind of grosses me out too.
Neverthless, dating is an important topic in the context of frugality. For most people, a first date is like a job interview. There are plenty of variables to consider; for example, it's important to look nice, but not too nice; it wouldn't do to make one's date feel underdressed. At the same time, looking too casual doesn't send the right message either: it looks more like Well, I didn't have anything better planned, so you'll do.
If you and the Frugal Zeitgeist (that would be me) somehow ended up on a first date, here are the things I'd like to have out on the table:
1. Make sure I know it's a date. True story: I had dinner out with someone who had done contract work for me a couple of times. I was cheerfully chatting away about our initiatives for the next fiscal year, and he suddenly put his hand on mine and said Tell me, what are you looking for in a man?
It's not quite polite to say Not you, and that makes for a very, very, VERY long evening. Stealth dating is not fun or fair for anyone.
2. If you let me pick the place, we're aiming for the middle. Not too extravagant, but not McDonald's: if it's afternoon, we're having coffee; if it's evening, we're going somewhere where I can have a glass of red wine and admire you over candlelight. If you pick the place and we end up somewhere very expensive, I won't be impressed and I might knock over my water.
3. Whatever we're doing, I'll pony up for half. Seriously. I don't expect my date to automatically pay because he's a guy. If you really want to know, though, I'd rather take turns: you pay for one thing and I'll pay for whatever we do after that, or vice versa. Seems a little less mercenary that way, and I'm not keeping score.
4. I'm all about the free stuff. Want to use a coupon at dinner? I will respect your financial acumen. Want to go river kayaking for free? I don't mind a wet butt for an hour or so. Want to go to a free Julliard concert? I can't think of a better way to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon.
5. Don't test me. I know one person who deliberately puts dates in what he anticipates will be an uncomfortable situation on the first time out to see how they cope. That's mean and I'll probably leave. You think I wouldn't? Try me.
6. You're probably going home on your own. Sorry; it's a first date. That's how I roll.
7. Do you really want to impress me? Fix my bike. Hold my jacket before I put it on. Take your hat off indoors. Use the right fork. Laugh with me when I spill my water.
I could keep going with that, but you get the drill. Basically, just be your frugal, friendly, and fiscally responsible self and we'll probably be off to a reasonably good start.
Don't you think?
9 retorts. What say you?
#5: People actually test people on a date? How sick is that??!!??
I agree; I think it's a horrible thing to do. Very disrepectful and also very presumptuous: if it's a first date, it's reasonable to assume that two people don't know each other very well. Determining what an uncomfortable situation for a relative stranger is means jumping to a great many preliminary conclusions about that person's character and past experiences. That's really not a nice thing to do.
Yeah, whatever happened to the good old fashioned get-to-know-each-other-and-see-if-you-click-over-dinner-or-coffee-or-moonlit-walk-first-date?
I was always too much of a romantic for my own good. lol
Zachary,
Gents like you have been hunted to extinction, I'm afraid. No, I'm kidding; there are still lots of nice single folks of both genders out there.
So, if you an I somehow found ourselves on a first date, it would be somewhat disconcerting for my wife... :-)
I am a very firm believer that women should pay half a first date. That way men don't expect anything. Yes guys expect sex, at least where I've lived. Mainly because it's so darn expensive to go out for 1 night. 1 night for a couple in NY, SF, LA, DC, Boston, we're talking $100 easy. Am I right?
So some guys expect something for their mucho dollars. Nada. But I'm more a coffee or a drink at a bar for the first date and see how it goes. And I'm perfectly fine picking up my own tab.
In fact I'd prefer it. I told BIL that, but he's old fashioned and believes he should pay. I told him if a girl offers like me, she's a keeper. Cause she's not a gold-digger. His last GF was a gold-digger.
So the paying for half benefits men, because you have a woman interested in you for you. And women because it shows you respect and value yourself. And you don't need a man to pay for you. And if you are a broke woman using men to pay for food, it's also wrong. I had many college friends who told me to do this when I was broke, go out with guys so they would pay for booze and food. sigh.
Shadox - that's okay; married gents are verboten in my book. You can just admire me from afar; we'll always have Paris.
That wasn't you?
Oh.
Never mind.
Living almost large - I don't think I've ever been on a $100 first date; I normally try to steer the guy to something a lot less costly, preferably coffee or a drink. I'll always offer to pay half; if my companion says no, then my response is Only if you let me get the next one..
And then I do.
The above response assumes that I want to see the guy again, by the way. I'm a lot more militant about either paying half or just picking up the check altogether on the first date if I want a get-out-of-jail-free card so I don't feel obligated to go on a second date.
The golddigging thing is absolutely appalling. It doesn't say much for either party's ethics or self-resepct.
This is all very fascinating. I haven't been on a first date in a very long time. Come to think of it, I haven't been on a date at all in a very long time. Time to get a babysitter....
I never really got the hang of the whole dating thing anyway. Usually in my life the progression has gone from being acquaintances, to being friends, to being really good friends, to being in a relationship. Dating is a sociological phenomenon that I could never figure out how to participate in.
I think the progression you mention is a healthier way to go, truthfully. That's my preference. I have done the online dating thing from time to time, but there's really an artificiality about it that I don't like (hence the "job interview" crack). I've actually made some good friends that way, though, including a former world-class rowing champion who lives in my neighborhood.
I don't have too much problem meeting people in real life and I figure it's good to keep my hand in the game from time to time, but for the most part it's just all in good fun.
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